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8 weeks down, 32 weeks to go.
Baby Jaws is the size of a Kidney Bean, which is very exciting. He's already 1/2 an inch!!
Yesterday was Mother's Day, and I received a really sweet call from my Brother, a card from Mr. Spice and my parents, and flowers from my BIL. All so sweet. But honestly, I felt like a sham.
In a weird and twisted way, I felt like I was being celebrated for having unprotected sex. I know that my super sweet family was welcoming me into a new club, and recognizing that pregnancy is the first step to motherhood, but a sham is still what I felt like.
I am really trying to enjoy pregnancy- like Mr. Spice being uber helpful and supportive- and taking over Huck's evening walks, but I am not enjoying it. In fact, I really don't like it. I know I am not alone, especially after reading the amazingly honest posts from Marissa at Parenthetical Three. She rocks.
Like, why can't I help carry our new couch up three flights of stairs to our apartment? Just a few weeks ago, I would have gladly done it. Now, we have to get movers or pay someone to help carry it up. What a waste of money.
What's worse, my lack of excitement makes it really hard to envision the cute cuddly fingers and toes that I'll be kissing by the end of they year. Seriously, how do women survive 9 months of pregnancy? Let alone do this again (and again)? I fear hating this pregnancy all the way through. I also fear that disliking pregnancy will cause some sort of chemical imbalance that will impact Baby Jaws for the rest of his life. Irrational, yes? But I don't really feel rational any more.
The worst, when I forget I am pregnant. When I am able to have a great lunch with my unsuspecting co-workers and not once remember that I am pregnant. (BTW, the nauseousness only really seems to go away when I am eating.) But when I forget for those few moments, I end up feeling guilty that I felt normal and regular for a little bit. And then I feel extra bad for forgetting about my little Jaws. Am I going to be a forgetful mother?
The absolute worst, when other people get really excited for you, but you are too tired or feel too sick to be excited back. This has mainly happened with family. My sister is soooo excited. She's even planning on keeping her son's crib in their spare room so we can bring Jaws over whenever. Yet really, when she says these things, I start to get terrified and feel like I have an alien growing inside me.
Whew. So that's why I feel like a Mom-to-Be sham. I am terrified. But I guess that's why I have 32 more weeks to get used to the idea and stop being so scared. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I am sure tomorrow I will feel much better and feel overwhelmed with love and excitement about my pregnancy. One can at least hope, right?
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4 comments:
I will tell you what everyone else told me, knowing full well you'll roll your eyes because your experience is now, not five weeks from now: it gets better.
I think it's partly that you get used to feeling different and inhabited by this alien parasitic creature, partly that the nausea does eventually abate, partly that you figure out what strategies work for your nausea/ attitude management, partly that the idea of being a parent sinks in with time... but it does get better.
By third trimester I had kind of forgotten what it was like not to be pregnant, but second tri wasn't the rainbows and butterflies I was promised, more like the point where I just accepted that being pregnant kind of sucks. It does, it totally does. That said, it's also pretty cool in a science experiment kind of way, and by late in third tri you'll find yourself surprised that you don't hate it so much and wouldn't mind if the little creature stayed inside all the way to term.
But for now, just be gentle with yourself. Being limited sucks (SUCKS) and feels wimpy and girly and unfair, but it is what it is. "I'm tired," seems like a silly excuse but it's totally not, so just be as nice to yourself as you would be to someone else, mkay?
I can totally imagine myself feeling the same way as you regarding what you can and can't do when you're pregnant. I'm VERY stubborn and independent, and I can imagine myself having a hard time being told that I can't do something! I hope you get used to everything soon - at least you have lots of time to wrap your mind around everything!
Thanks Ladies. Marisa- I totally completely appreciate the advice!!
I totally feel the same way! There are times where I already feel like a mother and times where I can't imagine how I'm going to be responsible for another human being in just a few months. I totally relate and hopefully by December we'll be ready for everything that is in store for us!
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